The damaging mental affects of a Miscarriage

My miscarriage was seven months ago. I would have been 37 weeks right now. I would have been preparing for a baby, for a birth, and for all that comes with it. Instead, I feel like a lunatic. I had 3-4 months of near crippling depression that would leave me sitting on the couch staring off into space. Once out of this, I convinced myself that I didn't want another baby. I liked sleeping through the night, not having diapers to change, being able to leave the house at a moment's notice, not having to have a baby attached at the breast 24/7. I don't know whether or not this was 100% of how I actually felt, or if it was a coping mechanism.

This week I was 4 days late for my period. I wasn't just late though - I had many of the classic signs of pregnancy. Nausea, gagging, sore breasts, fatigue, headaches. I really began to think that I was pregnant, even though I kept telling myself that it was dangerous to go there. I tried to stay away from that. I couldn't. I didn't want another baby - remember? I feel so damn dramatic for reacting the way that I am. Since starting my period this afternoon ( just as I'd decided to buy a pregnancy test, certain it was going to be a big fat + ) I have been back in that awful blackness. And I hate being here. I am angry, I am a bit depressed, and I just hate how things are.

I love my husband, but he doesn't get what I've gone through. Not just with the miscarriage, but with having PCOS and what it does to my body. He doesn't outright say it anymore, but the looks he gives me seem that he thinks I overexaggerate. The pain, the frustration of ceaseless acne covering my face, the extra hair growth, and did I mention the pain? I have pain before, and during my period. I have massive pain during ovulation. So twice a month, for several days at a time, I am in pain. This often comes with headaches as well. I hate my body. I feel broken and defective and deflated. And if my husband didn't understand as I was only weeks out of the miscarriage, how much less will he understand now that it's been 7 months?

I know that I am not the only one that has felt like this after a miscarriage, because I have friends who have gone through the same. The sad part is, this is rarely spoken about, or highlighted in miscarriage articles, or understood by the everyday person. We're told that we shouldn't dwell on it ( I don't come to this dark place willingly, let me tell you ), we should stop being dramatic, and we'll be fine.

As I'm coming up to the due date, it's hitting me hard again. I should be preparing to welcome my newborn baby into the world, not feeling defective and disgusting.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

If you have followed my blog for a while, you know that I miscarried back in June. I've had a really rough couple of months. I had to come to the realization that it's okay to be devastated, even if you were "only" 7 weeks pregnant. Especially if you began planning for your baby as soon as you saw the 2nd line on the test, as I did. It's been 3 1/2 months, and I have yet to pull out the serger that I bought to make cloth diapers and slings on. It's been the one thing that I've been able to control facing, and I just haven't faced it yet.

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. At 7pm ( all time zones ), around the world, women will be lighting candles in remembrance of their lost little ones. From the 6 week miscarried baby, to the full term stillborn baby, to the infant who died of SIDS. For more information go to: www.October15th.com

I almost didn't share this, because it will probably seem like a very silly thing to do since I was "only" 7 weeks pregnant. But I really wanted to name the baby that we lost. My husband and I, both separately, really have a strong feeling that the baby was a boy. I asked him last week to start thinking of names, and help me with this. Tonight we talked about it, and found a name for our baby.

Nehemiah Cian.

Nehemiah is a biblical name and means "Comforter". Cian is an Irish name and means "Enduring". I really wanted a name that meant something in relation to the loss, and how it has changed me. I have been trying to find comfort in the fact that everything happens for a reason. I don't understand it at this point, and in fact, I am still pretty angry with God. My anger though *has* toned down quite a bit, and I am able to be thankful that the loss was earlier in the pregnancy, rather than later. But, I'm still very emotional ( I can seriously cry at anything anymore! ), and still struggling with my feelings about everything.

Thankfully, I have been told that my ongoing ( even now, after this time ) emotions are normal. I just wish they had a manual for these things. I am trying desperately to focus on the things in my life that I can be joyful for, and thankful for. Some days are easier than others, for sure.

Not that thinking about my baby takes any effort, but tomorrow I will be remembering him, as I remember the precious little ones lost by my friends, and fellow women around the world. Take a moment to remember yours as well ... or if you have been blessed to have never lost one, take some time to remember your friends/family who have.

In memory of:

Nehemiah
Faith
Noah
Fiona

And all of the other unnamed little ones that my friends have lost.