"You can pull link sausages out of me if you want"

I realize that the title of this post is probably a bit confusing. To top it off, it's not even Midwifery related. One of my favorite shows of all time is The Gilmore Girls. I love the banter, the upbeat attitude of Lorelai and Rory, the type of mother-daughter relationship that they have, and you can't beat the sarcasm. It's just awesome.

Well today I was watching an episode during the kids' nap, and Lorelai ( the mom )had tried convincing her boyfriend Luke to do a Halloween skit with her, where she would pull link sausages out of his belly, to put on a scary show. He had refused, she bugged, he refused, etc ... Well, she had had a falling out with her daughter ( which for those of you who don't know the show, it's huge since they are best friends ) and hadn't spoken in months, but was invited to her 21st birthday party. It was a rough time for Lorelai, because it reminded her of all that she has lost during this time apart. She was very quiet and down on the way home, and her boyfriend simply said "You can pull link sausages out of me if you want." She smiled.

Through the miscarriage, through a really rough time for me since moving 400 miles away from "home", through losing a friendship that was dear to me... poor Jeramy hasn't known what to do with me. For quite a while after the miscarriage I was in a pretty deep depression. Then I was fine, then the depression came back. From time to time, the "funk" as I call it, sneaks up and gets me. This happened the other night, after finding out that another friend is pregnant. You see, it really doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I am more than happy having 3 mostly self-sufficient children, no diapers, a full night's sleep every night, and being able to leave the house at a second's notice. I had also decided that I don't want anymore babies, and have been looking into my options there. And I am more excited for my friend than I can put into words. But it still cuts a bit. I can't help but feeling defective. It seems that everyone around me can get pregnant, and sustain a pregnancy right now. Except me. And I'm fully aware of how melodramatic that sounds, but with as many problems as I have had with my cycles, hormones, PCOS ... it's not hard to feel broken. The miscarriage and pregnancies all around me only add to it.

Back to the point. Jeramy is very sweet with just holding on to me if I need a hug, and respects when I say that I don't want to talk about *why* I'm crying, because I'm not even 100% sure. Well, last night he came home from work bearing coke and a chocolate bar, just for me. You see, this was his "You can pull link sausages out of me if you want." This was his way of doing something for me, because he wanted to help but can't directly help with what is going on in my heart. My husband and I have our rough times. We have our times where we want to kill each other, or walk away. But most of the time, I adore my husband. He has been my earthly rock in all that's gone on in the past few months.

I am learning to not take these seemingly little things for granted, because "You can pull link sausages out of me if you want." is huge. As are gifts of your favorite ( even if not so healthy ) treats. It's a man's way of trying to make you feel better when he can't fix the situation.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

If you have followed my blog for a while, you know that I miscarried back in June. I've had a really rough couple of months. I had to come to the realization that it's okay to be devastated, even if you were "only" 7 weeks pregnant. Especially if you began planning for your baby as soon as you saw the 2nd line on the test, as I did. It's been 3 1/2 months, and I have yet to pull out the serger that I bought to make cloth diapers and slings on. It's been the one thing that I've been able to control facing, and I just haven't faced it yet.

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. At 7pm ( all time zones ), around the world, women will be lighting candles in remembrance of their lost little ones. From the 6 week miscarried baby, to the full term stillborn baby, to the infant who died of SIDS. For more information go to: www.October15th.com

I almost didn't share this, because it will probably seem like a very silly thing to do since I was "only" 7 weeks pregnant. But I really wanted to name the baby that we lost. My husband and I, both separately, really have a strong feeling that the baby was a boy. I asked him last week to start thinking of names, and help me with this. Tonight we talked about it, and found a name for our baby.

Nehemiah Cian.

Nehemiah is a biblical name and means "Comforter". Cian is an Irish name and means "Enduring". I really wanted a name that meant something in relation to the loss, and how it has changed me. I have been trying to find comfort in the fact that everything happens for a reason. I don't understand it at this point, and in fact, I am still pretty angry with God. My anger though *has* toned down quite a bit, and I am able to be thankful that the loss was earlier in the pregnancy, rather than later. But, I'm still very emotional ( I can seriously cry at anything anymore! ), and still struggling with my feelings about everything.

Thankfully, I have been told that my ongoing ( even now, after this time ) emotions are normal. I just wish they had a manual for these things. I am trying desperately to focus on the things in my life that I can be joyful for, and thankful for. Some days are easier than others, for sure.

Not that thinking about my baby takes any effort, but tomorrow I will be remembering him, as I remember the precious little ones lost by my friends, and fellow women around the world. Take a moment to remember yours as well ... or if you have been blessed to have never lost one, take some time to remember your friends/family who have.

In memory of:

Nehemiah
Faith
Noah
Fiona

And all of the other unnamed little ones that my friends have lost.

A Moment of Realization

Yesterday I saw a post about Female Circumcision in America, going back to as late as 1960. I was shocked. This isn't ( or wasn't ) my topic of passion, so I never learned much about it. I learned enough about male circumcision so that I have decided that if we ever have another boy, that I will not have him circ'd. But I never really cared enough to dig deeper.

So I was reading, shocked, about female circumcision here in America, and I was appalled that it happened here and not just in Muslim or African regions. One quote absolutely blew me away and enraged me at the same time. This is from a medical journal in 1959:

"If the husband is unusually akward or difficult to educate, one should
at times make the clitoris easier to find [by amputating the clitoral hood]."
-Female Circumcision : Indications and a New Technique, 1959

That's right Ladies! You'd better hope and pray that your husband can figure out how to find your clitoris, otherwise you might just have the clitoral hood removed for his ease of discovery. I was absolutely DISGUSTED by this!

I watched a pro-female circumcision video on YouTube, posted by a Muslim woman who tried to show the "joy" in GIRLS being circumcised. I was even more disgusted that this was touted as a joyful thing, instead of something barbaric being done against young girls, to strip them of any sexual pleasure they might enjoy as a woman. I was horrified.

And then it hit me. We do this to our boys. It's still socially and culturally acceptable to remove newborn boys' foreskins. And under what justification? So that he'll look like everyone else? When should parents EVER want their children to conform to what society deems "fashionable" ( which is essentially what this is )? So that he'll reduce the risk of infection and disease? ( which is actually a HIGHLY erroneous belief ) Studies have proven that with good hygiene, the risk of infection and disease is just the same as a circumcised man. So there goes that argument.

Even worse, justified just as the Muslims do for women - as a religious belief? For those Christians out there who ignorantly claim Biblical reasons for circumcision - I expect the women to have long hair and have it covered at all times. I expect them to remove themselves from the company of their husbands for the duration of their menstruation. I expect the men to offer livestock as sacrifice to God. Sounds wonky, right? Well, that's because we're no longer held to the laws of the Old Testament. Circumcision used to be used to show salvation. To be set apart from the Gentiles. That's no longer needed. The bible states in 1 Corinthians 7:18-19:

18 Was anyone called while circumcised? Let him not become uncircumcised. Was anyone called while uncircumcised? Let him not be circumcised. 19 Circumcision is nothing and uncircumcision is nothing, but keeping the commandments of God is what matters.

God calls for the circumcision of the heart, NOT of the flesh. It is absolutely ridiculous to uphold the ONE biblical law of the Old Testament that causes genital mutilation to our sons. And let's face it - it is RARE anymore for someone to circumcise their sons because of true religious conviction, for salvation.

Let us please stop mutilating our sons' genitals, and keep them intact. Isn't it much better to teach them to be clean ( both in hygiene and sex? ), and to have a circumcised heart? There *are* risks and side effects to circumcision. And people who don't think that their baby was bothered by it, don't want to face up to what they actually just did to their helpless newborn.

It's a horrific act done in modern times, when we ought to know, and be doing, better.

Just beautiful! Woman sings at 10cm in labor...

I thought I would share this, even though it is a hospital birth. This woman has a beautiful voice, and had her nurse/doctor in tears. The video had ME in tears.

"I'm ALL about the drugs!"

Nothing causes me to have to pull together every single ounce of self-control, like this phrase when it comes to childbirth:

"I'm ALL about the drugs!"

I had a booth at a local fair here this past weekend. It was for my Midwifery services, and some slings and nursing covers ( which I'm not entirely for, lol ) that I've made. Several women walked by, and when they saw that it was for home birth, laughed and said "I think it's great. But I'm personally ALL about the drugs. ALL about the drugs!" I had to choke back the comments that wanted to pour out of my mouth. Such as, "Yeah, I used to be selfish too." and "Oh. Your poor baby isn't though, do you care about that?"

I really have a very hard time restraining myself from these things. And it seems so harsh, but this is really something I am passionate about, after knowing first hand what drugs and intervention can do. And half of me gets it - I was like that too. When I didn't know any better. But I can't avoid thinking of Noah lying sedated in a NICU bed, because of my poor choices, when I hear these women say this. Maybe they truly don't know what drugs do to babies. Mostly, as I've done some informal polls in many mommy-sites, just don't care. Their comfort is more important than the risks to baby. This is a TRAVESTY! When you know better, and you still put your baby at risk ... you can no longer claim ignorance.

My heart breaks for these women who don't know better, and for the babies that have no choice. And it KILLS me to hear women say "I just don't like pain". Life is painful. You get injured, you get sick, you go through pain in working out or training for a marathon. But you can't go through childbirth without numbing yourself from the chest down?

I just really wish more women knew that they are capable of going through childbirth without drugging themselves and their babies. I wish they knew of how empowering natural childbirth is, and how very rewarding it is to get that HUGE release of endorphins after birth when no drugs are involved. Really, they are robbing themselves of a life-changing experience, and putting their baby at risk at the same time.