My miscarriage was seven months ago. I would have been 37 weeks right now. I would have been preparing for a baby, for a birth, and for all that comes with it. Instead, I feel like a lunatic. I had 3-4 months of near crippling depression that would leave me sitting on the couch staring off into space. Once out of this, I convinced myself that I didn't want another baby. I liked sleeping through the night, not having diapers to change, being able to leave the house at a moment's notice, not having to have a baby attached at the breast 24/7. I don't know whether or not this was 100% of how I actually felt, or if it was a coping mechanism.
This week I was 4 days late for my period. I wasn't just late though - I had many of the classic signs of pregnancy. Nausea, gagging, sore breasts, fatigue, headaches. I really began to think that I was pregnant, even though I kept telling myself that it was dangerous to go there. I tried to stay away from that. I couldn't. I didn't want another baby - remember? I feel so damn dramatic for reacting the way that I am. Since starting my period this afternoon ( just as I'd decided to buy a pregnancy test, certain it was going to be a big fat + ) I have been back in that awful blackness. And I hate being here. I am angry, I am a bit depressed, and I just hate how things are.
I love my husband, but he doesn't get what I've gone through. Not just with the miscarriage, but with having PCOS and what it does to my body. He doesn't outright say it anymore, but the looks he gives me seem that he thinks I overexaggerate. The pain, the frustration of ceaseless acne covering my face, the extra hair growth, and did I mention the pain? I have pain before, and during my period. I have massive pain during ovulation. So twice a month, for several days at a time, I am in pain. This often comes with headaches as well. I hate my body. I feel broken and defective and deflated. And if my husband didn't understand as I was only weeks out of the miscarriage, how much less will he understand now that it's been 7 months?
I know that I am not the only one that has felt like this after a miscarriage, because I have friends who have gone through the same. The sad part is, this is rarely spoken about, or highlighted in miscarriage articles, or understood by the everyday person. We're told that we shouldn't dwell on it ( I don't come to this dark place willingly, let me tell you ), we should stop being dramatic, and we'll be fine.
As I'm coming up to the due date, it's hitting me hard again. I should be preparing to welcome my newborn baby into the world, not feeling defective and disgusting.