Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Some Sad Updates

As much as I loved and appreciated all of the well-wishes and congratulations from my last post, I need to update what has gone on.

Last Friday morning I woke up to blood. In a blur, I went into the bathroom and as soon as I sat down, a huge clot came out. I was horrified and instantly a wreck. I got myself to fish it out to see what it was, and it was a clot larger than my hand. I call my husband who was already in Utah at that point, and he doesn't answer. I call Laura ( best friend ) and am sobbing. I knew I was losing the baby. I finally got a hold of DH, and he felt helpless from 400 miles away. I went on to pass 3 more clots that were larger than my hand, and soaked through at least 3 pads. It was at this point that I began getting tired, and decided to head to the ER after talking to Laura again. Gramma came and picked up the kids, and I headed to the hospital alone. Thankfully, my very good friend Janna was able to meet me there. I wasn't alone.

They did blood work, started an IV, did a sterile speculum exam to see if cervix was closed or open ( it was closed ), and then finally an ultrasound. Funny, odd, and scary things happened while I was there, just to keep me on my toes. First, I had a male nurse named Hans - no joke. Blond, accent, Hans. I couldn't make this up if I tried. Why he felt the need to tell me that his wife was going to have their first baby on July 1st, while I was there for losing my baby, I'll never know. :-/ Other than that, he was very nice. Second ( and this is the scary part ), I had a female nurse come in to be in the room for the sterile speculum exam. She had the personality of an ice cube. She walked in and asked me if I am pregnant. I wait a beat, and dryly say "I was". Would it be too much to ask to read the chart before asking a question like that? :sigh: Then, she puts on gloves, looks for an outlet for the light for the end of the speculum, moves my bed around, moves the tray around, touches the wall .... and then takes off the sterile package from the speculum ... AND THEN TOUCHES THE END OF THE SPECULUM!!! I did mention that she basically touched everything else in the room first, didn't I? When the doctor came in ( a VERY nice man - I was at least blessed with a mostly wonderful staff ), I apologized for being a pain, and then went on to explain what the nurse did, and asked for a new speculum. She looked a bit irritated, but he was wide-eyed and totally understood. "Good" news was that my cervix was closed, and there wasn't any "product" hanging out of it.

I went in for the ultrasound, and after a few seconds I knew the answer. She couldn't find anything. She did a transvaginal one as well, because she wanted to clearly see my ovaries and tubes, to make sure there wasn't anything eptopic. There wasn't. My lab results came back, and my hcg count was over 5700 still ( about normal for 7 weeks ). He recommended that I get labs done again within the next week to make sure that the levels are going down. I got my rhogam shot, and was discharged after being a patient in the ER for about 6 hours. I went home devastated.

I honestly don't think I've ever grieved anything as deeply. I may only have been 7 weeks along, but I was so excited. I was already looking ahead to the birth, to breastfeeding, to cloth diapering and baby wearing. I was heartbroken, plain and simple. And Jeramy was 400 miles away. I've gone back and forth between being fine, and being a complete mess. We moved to Utah on Monday, just 3 days after the miscarriage. I'm still not feeling 100% back to normal, physically or emotionally. The hard part is, I'm kind of surrounded by pregnant women here. LOL Laura had just found out she was pregnant a few days after I did. I am SO excited for her, but it will definitely be hard to see her go through the stages that I would have been at. Through all of this though, DH and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we want another baby. I am going to work on getting healthier, while we TTC for the first time ever. It was never a problem before, it was always PREVENTING actively because I was so fertile. I am just praying, through fear, that I don't have something wrong that makes it impossible for me to carry a baby to term now.

As for moving, we got here at about 11:30 on Monday night, utterly exhausted. We decided to leave the unloading for the morning. Thankfully, we got it done pretty quickly and I am now in the process of unpacking and making this house a home. I broke down today, because the kids are beyond horrible. Change, inconsistent discipline, and a mom who's not 100% "there" are factors I'm certain. But it doesn't make it easier.

It's been a hard week. I'm coping the best I can, and praying that life gets back to "normal" soon.

11 comments:

Kayce Pearson said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Miscarriages are so hard. My last one happened at work.

Just know that you do need to grieve. It isn't okay that your baby is gone. It was a part of you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Sarah A.T.J. said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you!

Rebekah Costello said...

Oh Mama, I'm so sorry! There is nothing like this pain, I know. Just want to give you a hug and let you know you aren't alone. *hugs*

Anonymous Mommy said...

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I know nothing can be said to help you feel better but my prayers are with you. Hang in there.

CaMnKeLL said...

I understand all you're enduring and promise that the overwhelming sadness will soften over time. I've felt it all after three very different miscarriages and can genuinely empathize... I'm here to talk anytime. You'll be "you" again soon enough. Sending love and prayers your way.

Karen Joy said...

I am very, very sorry for your loss.

And I'm sorry you didn't have the best of care in the hospital... AND that you were away from your husband. :(

(((hugs))) (I'm a stranger, and wouldn't know you IRL if I ever saw you, but I certainly feel like giving you a hug. Hope that's OK!)

EarthyMama said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. *hugs*

Jessica said...

I'm so sorry! I just had my first (and hopefully last!) miscarriage at around 8 weeks. It's so hard, physically, emotionally, mentally...just so hard. Peace and healing, momma.

Sheridan said...

Hugs to you. I am sorry about your loss.

Krista said...

so, so sorry. :o(

xa8531 said...

you deserve it