Sunday, July 12, 2009

In need of some emotional purging ...

I lost my baby two weeks ago this past Friday. And yet? It feels like it was longer, and just yesterday at the same time.

Longer, because in a sense, I have had to stuff my emotions. My husband doesn't understand why I am "still" emotional. He doesn't understand why I have moments of utter depression, or why I can get into a funk quickly. In all fairness, I haven't given him room to simply not understand. Right after I started writing this, he came out and saw me crying, and we talked a bit.

He truly doesn't understand the emotional side of this. Yes, he's sad that we lost a baby, but he doesn't understand what I'm going through - to the depth that a woman feels when she loses a baby she very much wanted. I had to explain that I am coming to terms with how traumatic it was to lose so much blood, and to see how large the clots were that were falling from my body. It was traumatic to sift through the clots, to watch for tissue. It was more traumatic to come home from the ER to a house without my husband, and have to clean up all of the blood.

For the past two weeks, with the exception of a day here and there, I have tried desperately to act as if I am "normal" ( as normal as I can be anyway, lol ) so that I can FEEL normal again. And it's not working. I have been ignoring my husband, I have been lapsing into funks that he doesn't understand and that I don't fully know how to explain. We moved a mere 3 days after I lost the baby. I was pretty much "expected" to be back to normal so that we could get done what needed to get done. And that's not reflective of my husband. He would get thoroughly pissed off at me if I didn't sit down every few minutes, or I lifted a box heavier than I should be. But, I wasn't allowed to wallow and grieve.

I don't feel like I've had a chance to talk through this, and don't want to be the dramatic one who keeps mulling over something already done. I'm sensitive to not being "over emotional" because of how my mom is ( whole 'nother story to it ). So I feel like I have to be OKAY already, and yet I'm not. I don't have anyone in person that I can sit and talk to and cry with who really GETS this. My husband tries. He just doesn't know what to say, so it feels like a one-sided conversation. Which, it would be for the most part anyway. LOL I get that. :sigh: I'm not sure WHAT I'm trying to get across right now.

I'm terrified of not being able to get pregnant again. I'm more terrified of having another miscarriage. I honestly don't know that I could go through this again and get through it whole. I don't feel whole NOW.

And I'm angry. There, I said it. I'm angry. At God, at myself, and with other irrational things. I'm angry. I don't understand why I would be allowed to get excited and then have it yanked so brutally. And then there, right there, I feel guilty for saying it, because I have friends who have had full-term stillbirths. I cannot even FATHOM going through that. I was only 7 weeks. Yet I had already envisioned this baby. Not in the womb, but after birth. I envisioned the birth, and breastfeeding, and cloth diapering this time. For crying out loud, I bought a serger so that I could more easily make the diapers - and I haven't been able to bring myself to try it out yet. I bought it 3 days before I miscarried.

So there you have it. I'm still a mess, even though I feel like I have to pretend to be fine. The world doesn't stop because I'm sad. I get that. I'd just love to be able to crawl into a cave for a while, and be allowed to wallow and feel sorry for myself, and just grieve.

I needed to write some of these things out. Writing for me is cathartic.


Rebekah Costello said...

*hugs* I've been through 4 m/c's and Mama, what you are feeling is OK. You do NOT have to be "ok" until you are ready to be ok. You are grieving. Your grieving your child and your expectations for that child. It's perfectly ok for you to still have FEELINGS about it. Don't be so hard on yourself and good heaven's, Mama, cry.

My dh, much like yours, has always tried to be as supportive and understanding as possible. It's an unfortunate (for us) reality, though, that for them, at 7wks, the baby is more of an idea and less of an every waking moment reality to them. They don't have the soul connection yet, they can't FEEL their child's impact in their life yet. It's a loss he just can't understand in depth. I told my dh after the 2nd one that nothing compares to waking up one morning and realizing that the presence you've already incorporated into your heart/mind/body and soul is just...gone.

Anyway, I'm sorry. I hear you, you can cry to me. My heart aches for you, such a loss is heartbreaking and sad and it's perfectly ok for you to take some time to heal. You are never going to "get over it" as some insensitive people would suggest you do. But you will heal, you will go on and you will come to terms with it. It's ok to be angry, also. That will go, too, if you are careful to allow yourself to express it. *hugs*

The Reluctant Crunchy Mama said...

I have not miscarried, but I have read a great deal about women who have. Keep writing. Try to find people to talk about it with. Most importantly, let yourself feel what you need to feel and don't try to go by some specific timeline. It was your baby, your child, so greave as you need to. WebMD has a great message board for women who are coping with pregnancy loss. Here is the link: The women there are awesome, very supportive, very understanding. They have gone through it, just like you. I hope you find the link helpful. Hugs.

Kayce Pearson said...

Lots of hugs and shared tears for ya.

It is so hard to not have people understand what you are going through. My dh tries, but it isn't the same as having the support of someone that has been there.

What you are doing is great. It was your baby. You need time to grieve. It took me about 6 months to be over my first one because I didn't let me self grieve.

Every day it gets better. It doesn't seem like much, but a few days or weeks or months from now you will look back and wonder what it was like back then. You will find yourself smiling again, and laughing, and not thinking about it every second of every day.

It still hurts, but you should cry about it. It isn't wrong to be sad.

I am here for you, and if you need anything, even just a babysitter so you can have time to yourself, I am just a few miles away.

Anonymous said...

you are not normal. were you ever?
dont get over it. remember it. feel it. let it hurt.
be happy for the child who is better off. the one you didnt deserve to keep.

Birthkeeper said...

Thanks xa8531. You brought up some thought provoking points.

Have I ever been normal? Probably not. I guess I meant normal for ME. ;)

I will always remember it, and I will always feel it. Thanks for the reminder to not ever get calloused. :)

Is the baby better off? No doubts. I think everyone is better off with God. Thanks for that reminder too!

Did I deserve the baby? Probably not. I've not been the best parent to the kids I DO have, lately. So you're right about that.

Thanks so much for bringing up these points so that I can think about them. :) I just wish you didn't cowardly hide behind anonymity. Because either you don't know me at all, and you're just a sad person with nothing better to do than post hurtful ( yet true I guess, since we already established that! ) things, or you DO "know" me, and I've pissed you off at some point. GREAT revenge, by the way! Creative. Cowardly, but creative. LOL

Anonymous said...

Nothing like someone hitting you with a sledgehammer when your down eh!

But it is great to read that you are taking xa8531's comments still with a Lol in your heart. It shows that you still are normal in the usual humanities abnormal kinda way, and it shows that you still do have feeling even though you feel you don't.

Looking back on this you will still see the pain, feel the pain, and hurt in a way that only you can fathom, but it can be assured that, each day you look back on it, you will see growth, change and strength come about through your experience.

Its ok to be who you are and how you are right now, grieve and be emotional, but as each day passes things will be different, even if the difference is that this new day you can smile a little smile through your tears at the memory that you created a beautiful human soul deep in your womb, what a wonderful gift we women have.

*hugs* from me too

Jessica said...

I'm so sorry, momma. I know how you feel. It's been almost a month for me now, and I still have rough days. I understand the hopes and dreams and attachments that form the moment you see that positive test. And it is hard, at 7 weeks or 17 weeks or 37 weeks. My best friend lost her baby at 32 weeks, and I don't even feel like I'm playing on the same ballfield as her, having lost mine at 8 weeks. But a baby is a baby, and a mother's love is a mother's love, no matter how tiny or how old your child. I get scared about getting pregnant again, too. Almost like I'm going to be guarded and cautious the entire time, like I'll never be able to relax during the entire pregnancy. Peace and healing to you, and to anyone else who has traveled this path.

Jessica said...

Oh, and whoever xa8531 is, they need to seriously grow up. As horrible as the comments were that they left for you, I wouldn't wish this on them, not even to teach them a lesson. Just rest in the fact that people like that will get theirs, one way or another. And can't you block a person on here?