I lost my baby two weeks ago this past Friday. And yet? It feels like it was longer, and just yesterday at the same time.
Longer, because in a sense, I have had to stuff my emotions. My husband doesn't understand why I am "still" emotional. He doesn't understand why I have moments of utter depression, or why I can get into a funk quickly. In all fairness, I haven't given him room to simply not understand. Right after I started writing this, he came out and saw me crying, and we talked a bit.
He truly doesn't understand the emotional side of this. Yes, he's sad that we lost a baby, but he doesn't understand what I'm going through - to the depth that a woman feels when she loses a baby she very much wanted. I had to explain that I am coming to terms with how traumatic it was to lose so much blood, and to see how large the clots were that were falling from my body. It was traumatic to sift through the clots, to watch for tissue. It was more traumatic to come home from the ER to a house without my husband, and have to clean up all of the blood.
For the past two weeks, with the exception of a day here and there, I have tried desperately to act as if I am "normal" ( as normal as I can be anyway, lol ) so that I can FEEL normal again. And it's not working. I have been ignoring my husband, I have been lapsing into funks that he doesn't understand and that I don't fully know how to explain. We moved a mere 3 days after I lost the baby. I was pretty much "expected" to be back to normal so that we could get done what needed to get done. And that's not reflective of my husband. He would get thoroughly pissed off at me if I didn't sit down every few minutes, or I lifted a box heavier than I should be. But, I wasn't allowed to wallow and grieve.
I don't feel like I've had a chance to talk through this, and don't want to be the dramatic one who keeps mulling over something already done. I'm sensitive to not being "over emotional" because of how my mom is ( whole 'nother story to it ). So I feel like I have to be OKAY already, and yet I'm not. I don't have anyone in person that I can sit and talk to and cry with who really GETS this. My husband tries. He just doesn't know what to say, so it feels like a one-sided conversation. Which, it would be for the most part anyway. LOL I get that. :sigh: I'm not sure WHAT I'm trying to get across right now.
I'm terrified of not being able to get pregnant again. I'm more terrified of having another miscarriage. I honestly don't know that I could go through this again and get through it whole. I don't feel whole NOW.
And I'm angry. There, I said it. I'm angry. At God, at myself, and with other irrational things. I'm angry. I don't understand why I would be allowed to get excited and then have it yanked so brutally. And then there, right there, I feel guilty for saying it, because I have friends who have had full-term stillbirths. I cannot even FATHOM going through that. I was only 7 weeks. Yet I had already envisioned this baby. Not in the womb, but after birth. I envisioned the birth, and breastfeeding, and cloth diapering this time. For crying out loud, I bought a serger so that I could more easily make the diapers - and I haven't been able to bring myself to try it out yet. I bought it 3 days before I miscarried.
So there you have it. I'm still a mess, even though I feel like I have to pretend to be fine. The world doesn't stop because I'm sad. I get that. I'd just love to be able to crawl into a cave for a while, and be allowed to wallow and feel sorry for myself, and just grieve.
I needed to write some of these things out. Writing for me is cathartic.