I realize that the title of this post is probably a bit confusing. To top it off, it's not even Midwifery related. One of my favorite shows of all time is The Gilmore Girls. I love the banter, the upbeat attitude of Lorelai and Rory, the type of mother-daughter relationship that they have, and you can't beat the sarcasm. It's just awesome.
Well today I was watching an episode during the kids' nap, and Lorelai ( the mom )had tried convincing her boyfriend Luke to do a Halloween skit with her, where she would pull link sausages out of his belly, to put on a scary show. He had refused, she bugged, he refused, etc ... Well, she had had a falling out with her daughter ( which for those of you who don't know the show, it's huge since they are best friends ) and hadn't spoken in months, but was invited to her 21st birthday party. It was a rough time for Lorelai, because it reminded her of all that she has lost during this time apart. She was very quiet and down on the way home, and her boyfriend simply said "You can pull link sausages out of me if you want." She smiled.
Through the miscarriage, through a really rough time for me since moving 400 miles away from "home", through losing a friendship that was dear to me... poor Jeramy hasn't known what to do with me. For quite a while after the miscarriage I was in a pretty deep depression. Then I was fine, then the depression came back. From time to time, the "funk" as I call it, sneaks up and gets me. This happened the other night, after finding out that another friend is pregnant. You see, it really doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I am more than happy having 3 mostly self-sufficient children, no diapers, a full night's sleep every night, and being able to leave the house at a second's notice. I had also decided that I don't want anymore babies, and have been looking into my options there. And I am more excited for my friend than I can put into words. But it still cuts a bit. I can't help but feeling defective. It seems that everyone around me can get pregnant, and sustain a pregnancy right now. Except me. And I'm fully aware of how melodramatic that sounds, but with as many problems as I have had with my cycles, hormones, PCOS ... it's not hard to feel broken. The miscarriage and pregnancies all around me only add to it.
Back to the point. Jeramy is very sweet with just holding on to me if I need a hug, and respects when I say that I don't want to talk about *why* I'm crying, because I'm not even 100% sure. Well, last night he came home from work bearing coke and a chocolate bar, just for me. You see, this was his "You can pull link sausages out of me if you want." This was his way of doing something for me, because he wanted to help but can't directly help with what is going on in my heart. My husband and I have our rough times. We have our times where we want to kill each other, or walk away. But most of the time, I adore my husband. He has been my earthly rock in all that's gone on in the past few months.
I am learning to not take these seemingly little things for granted, because "You can pull link sausages out of me if you want." is huge. As are gifts of your favorite ( even if not so healthy ) treats. It's a man's way of trying to make you feel better when he can't fix the situation.