Why is the exact duration of a woman's pregnancy unknown?
Because I have no way to know when exactly a woman conceived.
Fear not, for I induce labor by 41 weeks if you have not gone into labor on your own by then.
Why is the end of pregnancy often restless, uncomfortable, and emotional?
It is often restless because of the size of the belly, and the hormones in the body.
It is uncomfortable because of the added weight, the weight of the baby, and the size of the belly.
It is emotional due to the many hormones that your body is producing in this time.
Fear not, for I have medications for the restlessness. I will tell you to not lift a finger if pregnancy becomes too uncomfortable, and promise an induction as soon as you're past term. I have medications for the emotions, and as soon as you rid your body of that fetus, your hormones will regulate.
Why is labor gradually more painful as time goes on?
It is increasingly more painful because the body is opening for baby. If your bones are too small, then the pain will be harder, and often pointless. If the baby is not in a good position, it will make it harder and more painful, and the baby may not come out on his own.
Fear not, for I have drugs and anesthesia to numb you from the pain. If the baby is too big or in a bad position, I will cut him out so that you will not suffer. Fear not, for I will not allow you to go too long in labor.
Are there risks with these drugs?
Very little. You need not worry about them, because you will need them to get through the pains of labor. Why should you have to suffer, when I can relieve the pain? Do not worry about the risk to your baby, because you need to be comfortable so that you can enjoy baby after the birth. Yes, there is a risk that the labor will slow, that the baby will become distressed, or that you may not be able to push the baby out effectively...
But fear not, because if the labor slows, I have drugs to make labor come back faster. Fear not, because if the baby becomes distress, I will cut him out so that he does not suffer. Fear not, because if you cannot push him out, I will use forceps or I will cut him out of your body.
Why is the urge to push said to be unbearable?
The urge to push is only felt if you do not have drugs or anesthesia in your body. This is not necessary, as I will tell you when your cervix is fully dilated, and when you will be allowed to push. I will tell you when your baby is ready.
Fear not, for I will not allow you to suffer by pushing for too long. If you cannot push the baby out, I will rescue him with forceps or a cesarean.
What is the purpose of the 'ring of fire' when pushing?
You need not worry about this if you have epidural anesthesia. You need not feel this painful sensation at all, and I do not like my patients to suffer. I will tell you when your baby's head is emerging, and if the baby's head is slow to come, I will simply cut your flesh. If I need to cut it, I will repair it with sutures.
Fear not, for I am skilled with the scissors and repair techniques.
Why do women's nipples darken during pregnancy?
They darken due to hormones. No need to worry, as they will return to normal within the months after birth, if you bottle feed.
Fear not, for they will be pretty again.
Why will my breasts leak milk after giving birth?
This is the body's normal reaction to birth. Don't worry though, as the milk will dry off and you will be rid of the heaviness within a few weeks of birth, if you bottle feed. Yes, breastmilk is best, but no one should expect a mother to feed a baby from the breast if she does not like the idea. The formula companies are always improving their design, to make it more like breastmilk. And don't worry about the chemicals in formula, as they are in such small amounts that they will surely not affect your baby.
Fear not, for you do not have to cause your breasts to be saggy...I will send you home with free samples of the second best nutrition for your baby.