Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Dear God, it's me....

I'm perfectly aware that I will sound like Job for a while. I'm a little ( okay, a lot ) frustrated that I keep ending up with things, medically, that don't really have any set "cure".

Over the past year and a half, I have put on nearly 50 pounds. When it first piled on, 25 lbs in less than a month and a half ( had my dr baffled ), I cut out soda, extra sugar, drank water like a fish, and ate really well. I was walking 2 miles a day. I GAINED 5 lbs in two weeks, in between visits. Once again, the doctor was baffled. They checked my ovaries and uterus for cysts, found nothing. I think I had 2-3 ultrasounds done within a month's period. They checked all of my labs, and all came back normal. She put me on a higher fiber diet, which I adhered to, and nada. I gave up. After that period, I gave up. And yes, probably ( certainly ) prematurely, but I gave up. I'm tired of being fat, but I don't have the motivation or will power to get up and do something about it ... because I'm terrified of working my butt off to have my butt not go anywhere again. I came to the conclusion, after having every single darn sign and symptom, that I have PCOS. Finally, after taking Vitex, my cycles are back to normal. But the pain in the ovaries/uterus is still prevalent, the acne is HORRID ( and I've ALWAYS had clear skin!! ), the weight gain is still going on, and I have a few oh-so-beautiful skin tags along my neckline.

So along with my ear problems that I've been having, I sat in the ENT's office for three hours to be seen yesterday, to find that I have yet another problem that cannot exactly be fixed. Something else that I have to "just" live with. The ENT believes that I have Meniere's Disease ( good guess, Emily! ), and possibly TMJ. He set me up for an MRI, which I am waiting to hear back about. He said that someone my age should not be experiencing all of these symptoms. Same thing I was told about my gynecological problems.

So yeah. I'm a bit frustrated, and in a bit of a pity party. I just don't understand WHY these things keep happening. I would LOVE to be totally ignorant of the risks, and go in and have gastric bypass done, and possibly a tubal/hysterectomy. I'd love to really believe that those would solve everything. But I know they won't. And that pisses me off somewhat as well! LOL

This is just me whining again. It's really, really hard to have ears that are killing me, a head that is spinning, an achey feeling in my head....and have kids running around hollering and screaming and fighting...and having no help. Well, I do have help, in the form of my husband's 67 year old Grandmother. But I feel too bad asking her to take them. I'm the last person to say that they're easy going. Which brings me to my next part...

I've been a really bad mom. And that's not said for sympathy or a pat on the hand and being told "No you're not". I'm an honest person - even when it comes to myself. I've been yelling FAR too often lately. The truth is, the kids have gotten so far out of control that I don't know how to bring the reigns in again. And I know the yelling and me being angry contributes to the pain in my head/jaw/whatever...but sometimes it seems like the only thing that gets the kids' attention. And I hate that! I don't like that we have children who I can't rely on to behave in public...I'm one of THOSE parents. :( Megan is so utterly spoiled, because we've spoiled her, with being the "baby" of the family. We've never had one child be the "baby" for this long. By this time, I would already have had a baby...probably a year old at this point.

I'm just overwhelmed all the way around. :)

A break from my midwifery rantings ( err, ramblings ) huh? LOL Gives you a little more of a personal insight to me I guess. The good, bad, and ugly. ;)


Gombojav Tribe said...

I know what you mean. I sat my whole family down today and apologized to each child (even the baby) and to Gana, one-by-one for my tone, crabbiness and yelling. I realized that it wasn't helping and it was creating a terrible enviroment around here. I repented to God and my family. And now I'm praying that things start looking up.

In the boat with ya,

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