So this has nothing to do with Midwifery, but my own personal emotional struggles right now. I'm writing this to get some things out of my head. Despite this being an open blog, I'm not writing this to gain sympathy from readers, or reassuring comments. I just need to write it out, and know that somewhere someone is reading it.
I'm really struggling with my relationship with God right now. I'm still angry. Until last night, I haven't even been able to pray, or offer biblical comfort or encouragement to a dear friend who lost her mom. It felt too hypocritical. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, and that God's will is ultimate in our lives. But since losing the baby, this belief has left me angry. And it feels, to me, melodramatic to keep being emotional over a miscarriage that happened just over a month ago, but the feelings creep up on me freshly sometimes. Yesterday I started my first cycle since the miscarriage. Part of me was happy about it, as I could finally begin an herbal hormone-regulating formula that I had bought just before finding out that I was pregnant. Part of me was emotional. And part of me was in a lot of pain. I spent most of the day on the couch yesterday, in severe uterine/cervical pain, and a migraine. It felt like someone was inserting a hot poker into my cervix, and moving it around wildly. It was horrible. I couldn't move much without being in more pain. I ended up awake until about 1:30 this morning before I broke down and took some heavier pain meds. I just couldn't go to sleep.
As I laid there, I began talking to God, and asking Him why. Telling Him that I didn't understand, and that I was angry. I cried myself to sleep while trying to talk to God about all that I'm feeling.
I'm also feeling incredibly inadequate as a parent. I'm not doing well in this department, and neither is Jeramy. We end up yelling WAY more than we should, and the kids are out of control. Their behavior is horrible, and I'm at my wit's end. Noah yells and screams *constantly* ( which, I know I know. It's a reflection of J and I yelling ), a fight breaks out every 10 minutes or so, and they flat out disobey pretty much everything I tell them to do or not to do. I have parenting books here. I haven't read them. This part of my life feels hopeless, and it's a constant source of stress and frustration. The other day I could have walked out and not come back.
The noise alone from constant arguing, or just being loud, is going to cause me to have an aneurysm. I have SEVERE tinnitus that is heightened and piercing with the noise throughout the day. This is part of why I could not go to sleep last night. My ears felt like they were going to bleed.
Things between Jeramy and I are tense. He doesn't understand why I've not been feeling good - physically or emotionally - even though I have explained it to him over and over. I guess only one time should be the limit. J has a VERY hard time being compassionate with me, particularly if the house is not clean when he comes home, regardless of how I'm feeling. He came home last night pissed off because the kids had made a mess. He's moody because of my on-and-off again depression. He doesn't understand, and he thinks that I have been avoiding him, which maybe I have. It's not purposeful, but God I just want to be left alone. By the kids, by him, by the pull of having to deal with things. And I love my husband, I do. But right now I'm resenting the helpless do-everything-for-me attitude he has. If he can't find something quickly ( even if HE misplaced it ) he gets pissed until either I or the kids jump up to find it.
I'm just ready to give up. The kids don't have any respect for me. Jeramy thinks he's entitled to yell and shout and demand things of me and the kids. And I'm aware that I'm making him out to sound like a monster. Normally, he's not. We in a serious funk right now, and I don't know how, or if I even have the strength or willpower right now to claw out of it.