Sunday, August 2, 2009

Personal Ramblings

So this has nothing to do with Midwifery, but my own personal emotional struggles right now. I'm writing this to get some things out of my head. Despite this being an open blog, I'm not writing this to gain sympathy from readers, or reassuring comments. I just need to write it out, and know that somewhere someone is reading it.

I'm really struggling with my relationship with God right now. I'm still angry. Until last night, I haven't even been able to pray, or offer biblical comfort or encouragement to a dear friend who lost her mom. It felt too hypocritical. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, and that God's will is ultimate in our lives. But since losing the baby, this belief has left me angry. And it feels, to me, melodramatic to keep being emotional over a miscarriage that happened just over a month ago, but the feelings creep up on me freshly sometimes. Yesterday I started my first cycle since the miscarriage. Part of me was happy about it, as I could finally begin an herbal hormone-regulating formula that I had bought just before finding out that I was pregnant. Part of me was emotional. And part of me was in a lot of pain. I spent most of the day on the couch yesterday, in severe uterine/cervical pain, and a migraine. It felt like someone was inserting a hot poker into my cervix, and moving it around wildly. It was horrible. I couldn't move much without being in more pain. I ended up awake until about 1:30 this morning before I broke down and took some heavier pain meds. I just couldn't go to sleep.

As I laid there, I began talking to God, and asking Him why. Telling Him that I didn't understand, and that I was angry. I cried myself to sleep while trying to talk to God about all that I'm feeling.

I'm also feeling incredibly inadequate as a parent. I'm not doing well in this department, and neither is Jeramy. We end up yelling WAY more than we should, and the kids are out of control. Their behavior is horrible, and I'm at my wit's end. Noah yells and screams *constantly* ( which, I know I know. It's a reflection of J and I yelling ), a fight breaks out every 10 minutes or so, and they flat out disobey pretty much everything I tell them to do or not to do. I have parenting books here. I haven't read them. This part of my life feels hopeless, and it's a constant source of stress and frustration. The other day I could have walked out and not come back.

The noise alone from constant arguing, or just being loud, is going to cause me to have an aneurysm. I have SEVERE tinnitus that is heightened and piercing with the noise throughout the day. This is part of why I could not go to sleep last night. My ears felt like they were going to bleed.

Things between Jeramy and I are tense. He doesn't understand why I've not been feeling good - physically or emotionally - even though I have explained it to him over and over. I guess only one time should be the limit. J has a VERY hard time being compassionate with me, particularly if the house is not clean when he comes home, regardless of how I'm feeling. He came home last night pissed off because the kids had made a mess. He's moody because of my on-and-off again depression. He doesn't understand, and he thinks that I have been avoiding him, which maybe I have. It's not purposeful, but God I just want to be left alone. By the kids, by him, by the pull of having to deal with things. And I love my husband, I do. But right now I'm resenting the helpless do-everything-for-me attitude he has. If he can't find something quickly ( even if HE misplaced it ) he gets pissed until either I or the kids jump up to find it.

I'm just ready to give up. The kids don't have any respect for me. Jeramy thinks he's entitled to yell and shout and demand things of me and the kids. And I'm aware that I'm making him out to sound like a monster. Normally, he's not. We in a serious funk right now, and I don't know how, or if I even have the strength or willpower right now to claw out of it.


Kayce Pearson said...

You are definitely not alone. I was like this after my second miscarriage, and I joined an online support group. It really helped.

Just know I'm here if you need help.

Sarah A.T.J. said...

Wow, sounds tough! I know this may not help, but finding a counselor, even someone though your church, to talk to might be very good for you now. Maybe even taking your husband a couple of times after you've been going for a while. I hate knowing I've gotten that far and that I am unable to heal myself. But every once in a while, getting a new perspective and sharing your feelings with someone who won't judge may help.

Take a little vacation w/ your husband or even by yourself. Sounds like you haven't had time to recover or maybe even don't know how yet!

Anonymous said...

Oh, wow.

Well, first I'd say that you need to give yourself *much* more time to grieve a miscarriage than just a month. I just recently was doing some research and came across a scholarly article that noted that women who had a miscarriage had grief, depression, [insert other negative emotion here], for up to two years afterwards. I've never had a miscarriage, but it sounds like what you're experiencing is normal. I would be devastated, and I don't think a few weeks would return me back to the way I was. In fact, you may never return to the old "normal" but will instead find a "new normal."

My father died in a car wreck 10 years ago. I struggled a good deal with the concept of God's sovereignty working its way out so painfully in my life; looking for the silver cloud and finding none. But the reality is, that it was necessary for me to go through that deep grief to better suit me for my husband. Very likely, something like this is currently at work in your life -- God has you on the potter's wheel, forming you into something better than you currently are. It's painful at times, as pieces of the clay are pushed down, stretched up, or even taken away entirely. This will undoubtedly make you better able to comfort another woman who will grieve over a miscarriage.

Sometimes the emotions from my father's death **still** feel completely fresh to me. Most of the time I'm fine, but sometimes, something happens that makes me catch my breath from the emotions that surge up. It may never go away; but I don't think I'm being too dramatic about it -- probably the opposite -- in other societies or just a few generations ago, we'd be allowed more time and space to grieve our losses (widows used to wear mourning clothes for 7 years), and expect to grieve more openly -- look at the Psalms and you'll see David frequently crying, crying out, complaining about his trials, being burdened. I read something recently that said that there were more Psalms of complaint than of praise; or at least that there was a high percentage of complaining Psalms. This from "the man after God's own heart," and "the sweet Psalmist of Israel"; the man who "meditated on Thy law, both day and night."

I think you did right to "cast your cares upon Him" -- He alone can bear them. Plus, you have ample evidence of David doing exactly the same thing in the Psalms. There are many times when he asked "WHY??"

I doubt your hormonal levels have returned to normal, which is probably contributing to your emotional state. Make sure you take care of yourself, with lots of nutrition.

"The Heart of Anger" by Lou Priolo is an excellent book on child training. But I will warn you, it first requires you to look in your own heart and see problems there. Not easy, but necessary. The author noted that many times parents would come to him with problems with their children, and after just one or two counseling sessions *with the parents alone* the children's problems would diminish and eventually go away.

Most importantly, I would suggest the book "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie O'Martian. You can't really change your husband. Tony Evans, a preacher, says, "Submission is you ducking so that GOD can hit your husband!" I like that line. It helps me. I know where you're coming from on husbands who expect you to know where everything is, even when *they* misplaced it (I don't know about your husband, but mine usually doesn't believe that *he* was the one who put it where it didn't belong; I know better, but I usually keep my mouth shut... biting my tongue [almost literally] to keep from saying something -- because it doesn't matter if you're right and he's wrong, it still descends into an argument, and then nobody wins). Afraid I can't help you in that particular department; and I've not in any way "arrived" in all these things -- I'm struggling through them just like you; but it does get easier just to turn things like this over to God and say out loud, "I can't change him, but I ask You to help me change myself."


Karen Joy said...

I love womantowomancbe/Kathy's answer.

I just want to say don't give up. My pastor often says, "If you don't quit, you win." Don't give up.

My husband is not very compassionate, either. There are MANY, MANY, MANY good things about him, but sometimes, when I just want a comforting squeeze around the shoulders... well, I just know I'm never going to get that. So, I have to go elsewhere for comfort -- just in prayer (even if I feel like a hyprocrite -- my husband says, "Worship is always right"), or to a friend... and I think Kayce's suggestion of an online support group may help, too!

So, for now, concentrate on the things about your husband that you love, that you admire, that you appreciate, or I can guarantee you you'll become overwhelmed by bitterness for him, since he's not "feeding" you where you need it right now. And, even if you feel like he doesn't "deserve" it, and even through your unrecognized grief, make certain not to neglect him. If cleaning the house, etc., is important to him, maybe ask him each day, "What's the ONE thing that you want me to prioritize today, and make certain it gets done?" That way, what he wants isn't getting overlooked -- he'll know you're prioritizing him. But, by asking for his ONE thing, neither will it overwhelm you.

Karen said...

To everything there is a season, and right now, it's hard to see ahead and understand that things will change and your feelings will too.

You lost a baby and you need time to grieve that loss as well as time to renew yourself so you can celebrate the husband and kids that you have.

I hope you'll reach out and find support around you, perhaps a grief support group or personal counseling. Hire a local babysitter and give yourself some "me" time. Make it a point to have one fun moment each day with the kiddos--aiming for fun can ease the tension and fighting.

Sending you a hug.

Rebekah said...

Hi! We are moving to Cedar City in next month from South Carolina and I ran across your blog when looking at midwives in the area. (Not expecting, just "thinking".) :-) Thought I'd drop you a note and maybe get to know you a little! You can contact me through the link in my profile.... I'd love to be able to email you.